Only Time Will Tell
by Charmita
Summary: Jay is trying his best to be there for Erin in the aftermath of Justin's death. Erin is trying to come to terms with what has happened on that fateful night and re-evaluating her relationship with Jay. It's not easy for both of them but maybe they'll manage to come out of it stronger. Set between seasons 3 and 4.
1. Can you hold me?

**Title:** Only Time Will Tell (I highly recommend listening to the song _Only Time Will Tell_ by Poison if you have a moment, I think it's fitting ;))

 **Summary:** Jay is there for Erin after her confrontation with Voight at the silos.

 **Genre:** Hurt/Comfort, Romance

 **Rating:** strong T

 **A/N:** So this wasn't planned. I actually wrote it at 3am sometime last week after I watched the trailer for season 4. I originally didn't want to post it, but felt bad for not being able to update _Love Will Remember_ any time soon :S Thanks to **22Shay22** , **Natascha2Tata** and **Montelini** for encouraging me to post it :) Anyways I hope you enjoy reading and please forgive any mistakes (spelling or otherwise). I won't mark it as complete just yet since I might decide to continue if inspiration strikes again, but for now it's just a one shot ;) Oh and about there being no TV in Erin's living room, I looked at some pictures from 3x05 but it was too dark for me to see if there was one and then I saw a promo pic for 4x01 and it seems like she has one, but I was too lazy to change it, so let's just assume that her TV is located in her bedroom for the sake of this story ;)

 **Covert art by:** mehtiification

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Chicago PD or its characters.**

* * *

 **Chapter 1:** _Can you hold me?_ **  
**

Set after the events of 3x23 (Mostly from Jay's POV)

Jay figures she'll come back to her apartment after she's tracked down Voight, so he lets himself in with the spare key she gave him a while back (for emergencies only) and flops down on the couch in her living room.

He orders some takeout while waiting for her and by the time he's finished his food, hers remains resting untouched on the kitchen counter, she still isn't back.

He tries not to worry, to keep his mind off of whatever it is that might've caused her to not return to her place.

Since there's no TV in her living room, he grabs one of the books from the cupboard and starts reading. His thoughts keep drifting though and with a sigh he drops the book on her couch table and lies back against the cushions.

He closes his eyes and realizes just how tired he really is, his task of staying awake slowly slipping from his mind when exhaustion finally wins and pulls him to sleep.

* * *

Several hours later Jay jerks awake when he hears the sound of keys turning in a lock and sits up just in time for Erin to turn on the lights in the apartment and shuffle into her living room.

She looks like something the cat dragged in: her eyes hollow and red from crying, defeat and exhaustion coming off of her in waves.

She is startled when she spots Jay sitting on her couch, but joins him wordlessly when he motions her over.

"Hey," he greets her, his voice quiet and gentle as to not upset her.

She turns her head to look at him and he wants nothing more than to cup her cheek and run his thumb over it soothingly.

He doesn't know if she's gonna lash out at him if he does it though, that's why he settles for giving her a comforting look and before he knows the words, "Did you find Voight?" are out of his mouth and he immediately knows it was the wrong thing to say.

The air in the room is thick with tension and her posture is rigid. _'That bad,'_ he thinks, but doesn't dare voice it out loud in fear of making her pull up her walls even further.

She just stares at him for a second, closing her eyes briefly before looking at him with a vulnerability in her eyes that is so rare for her that his breath catches in his throat at the sight and then she scoots closer to him and whispers, "Can you just hold me for a while?"

He opens his arms invitingly and she moves to straddle his lap, burying her head in his neck. When his strong arms envelop her, it's like something inside her breaks and he can feel her body shuddering when she starts sobbing silently into him, tears streaming down her face and pooling in the spot between his shoulder and neck.

He doesn't say anything, just holds her closer and starts rubbing soothing circles into her back.

* * *

He doesn't know how much time has passed when Erin finally pulls back. Her eyes shining with sadness and heartbreak and something more, something that makes his heart beat faster in his chest.

He can feel the change in her seconds before her lips brush over his and he feels them ghost over his face when he closes his eyes, before finally coming to a rest near his ear.

"Jay, I need this. I need you," she rasps and thrusts her hips against his to emphasize what she wants and her hands press down onto his shoulders until he gets the point and shifts so he is lying down on the couch, Erin on top of him, still straddling his waist.

Her hands have moved to his chest and when she grinds down on him again, his body's reaction is instant.

She stares into his eyes and desperately whispers, "I need to feel something," (what that something is she doesn't specify, but it's clear that it needs to be something that makes her feel good and happy and reminds her that the world is not always the dark place that it currently seems to be), before she lowers her head and her lips are descending on his again.

She kisses him hungrily and he gives in. He knows it's wrong and that she's vulnerable and is using him as a distraction from the current events, but he can't help himself. If Erin wants to feel close to him, wants to feel connected to the person she trusts the most at the moment, that's what he's gonna give her.

After the intensity and desperation of her kisses have slowed down a little, he brings his hands up to her face and caresses it with a gentleness that makes her shiver under his touch and it's like the damn dam breaks all over again and all her pent up emotions bubble to the surface.

She's crying again, although that only seems to spur her on more, to make her kiss him harder and speed up the movement of her hips in a desperate attempt to gain back control of the situation, to get lost in the heat of the moment and give it her all, so that she can concentrate on the sparks of pleasure that are shooting through her body and straight to her core instead of thinking about leaving Voight at the silos, the rain pouring down on him and Justin's killer, while said killer is digging his own grave, a gun trained on his head.

Jay isn't having any of it though and deliberately puts a stop to her movements by pulling her flush against him and removing her lips from his, so her head is resting on one of his shoulders.

"Please, make me feel something," she whimpers, tears still streaming down her face and silent sobs wrecking her body once again.

"I'm sorry, Er," he responds, "but not like this."

She doesn't answer him and he lets her cry herself to sleep on his shoulder. One of his hands is nestled in her hair, the other one is resting protectively against her lower back.

Eventually her sobs die down and her breathing evens out. She's drained and he knows the feeling all too well, but doesn't give in this time.

He stays awake, holding her and hoping that whatever she'd been witness to that evening won't break her.

He's already seen her at her breaking point last year and he has vowed to himself that he'll do everything in his power to prevent that from happening ever again.

All he can do is be there for her and hope that this time it is enough, that she'll be more willing to listen to him now than she was when Nadia was murdered and more receptive to what he has to say.

Will it work or will she push him away and out of her life for good this time? Only time will tell.


	2. Only One Call Away

**Title:** Only Time Will Tell

 **Rating:** T

 **A/N:** Thank you so much for the warm response I got to this story, it motivated me immensely and that's why I'm back with a second chapter :) Special thanks to **AmyEden, SoFeelingTheLove, NALEY23alwaysforever, ShimmerShimmerx, Natascha2Tata, robinscorpiofan, Sassybush** and the other two guest reviewers for your feedback and of course thank you to the people who read, favorite and follow this story :) This chapter continues to explore the aftermath of 3x23 on the following morning/day. Hope you enjoy reading and please forgive any mistakes (spelling or otherwise).

 **Cover art by:** mehtiification

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Chicago PD or its characters.**

* * *

 **Chapter 2:** _One Call Away_

Jay doesn't fall asleep until the early hours of the morning when it's already light outside and the apartment is immersed in the soft orange glow of the early morning sun.

He's tried his best to fight sleep as long as he could, but he knows it's probably better if he gets at least one or two hours of sleep before they have to get up for work.

It feels like the alarm set on his phone goes off just a second after he's finally allowed himself to close his eyes and he reaches for it blindly, eyes still closed, trying to prolong the inevitable.

After a few failed attempts he has to open them though and belatedly realizes that something is not right, that the weight that was resting upon his chest all night is missing and he instantly sits up, eyes sweeping over the room in search of his partner in work and life.

The apartment is empty though and there's no trace of Erin. He wonders if she was even there last night or if he'd dreamed it all up.

Jay's alarm is still blaring and he finally spots his phone on the couch table and shuts the annoying sound off, noticing that he's received a new text message.

 _Hey. Went for a run. See you soon –E_

 _PS. Thank you._

He looks at the time stamp and sees it was sent about an hour ago. It's 7 o'clock now so she should be back any minute if she doesn't want to be late for work, because he knows her and he knows that she is not going to want to go into work before she's had a shower.

As if on cue the door to the apartment opens and his sweaty looking girlfriend makes her way inside.

She gives him an almost imperceptible smile before heading over towards her bathroom and closing the door. A minute later he hears the water running and gets up off the couch, weighing his options. He can either leave while Erin is still in the shower and give her some more time to clear her head or he can stay and maybe she'll be more willing to open up to him now than she was last night.

He still hasn't made up his mind, when Erin's head pops out of the bathroom a minute later and she calls out, "Maybe it's better you swing by your apartment and get a change of clothes before work?"

Jay wants to fight her on it, wants to point out that he keeps a change of clothes at her apartment for occasions like this, but seeing the look on her face he decides it's best if he just complies with her wish.

Before she can completely vanish into the bathroom again he appears at her side and gives her a quick kiss, because he needs her to know that they're ok and that nothing that has happened last night can make him want to be there for her any less.

She seems surprised at first, but responds in kind, trying to deepen the kiss and pulling on Jay's clothes, eager to get rid of them and get him to join her for her shower.

He wants to do the responsible thing and tell her that they'll be late for work if she keeps that up, but he craves the physical contact just as much as she does. However he manages to break their kiss long enough to say, "We're gonna have to make this quick if we don't wanna be late".

It's if a bucket of ice water has just been dumped over her head and her face takes on a defiant expression.

"Who cares?" she breathes out and then resumes her earlier task of undressing him as if nothing had happened.

Jay is stunned, but gets distracted when he feels Erin's hands roaming over his body.

He thinks that maybe this was a bad idea and that he should've just given her some more space, because clearly she's still very much upset about whatever happened between her hanging up on him yesterday and her coming back to her apartment hours later, but he doesn't want her to think he's punishing her for not wanting to talk to him.

A few minutes later when they are both standing naked under the hot spray of water all coherent thought flies out the window and his brain shuts off while he lets himself get lost in the feeling of being connected to her in the most intimate of ways…

* * *

They've managed to keep it short, thanks to Jay. Erin would've happily stayed where she was all morning, but he'd promised her they could continue where they'd left off after their shift so she had reluctantly given in and let him leave so he still had enough time to drive over to his apartment and change, while she continued the rest of her morning routine.

Now Jay's sitting behind his desk at the 21st district and wonders where his girlfriend is. It's 8:01 am and she's usually never late, although he thinks it doesn't even matter because Voight's office is empty as well.

Before he can give any thought to where their sergeant might be, he hears someone coming up the stairs and thinks that it might be Erin, but when the person rounds the corner that leads into the bullpen he's quickly proven wrong.

Commander Crowley makes her way through the bullpen and stops next to the whiteboard. She doesn't even need to clear her throat because the attention of all of the present members of the Intelligence Unit is already on her.

"Sergeant Voight has informed me that he's taking a few personal days," she addresses the men sitting in the room. "Detective Dawson will be in charge for the time being," and with a pointed look at Antonio she adds, "You'll refrain from pursuing Justin Voight's murder investigation any further, all evidence, notes and case files are to be handed over to Sergeant Platt by the end of the day. Are we clear?"

"Crystal," the senior detective replies. It's no use anyway since Justin's killer seems to be in the wind or, what's more likely but no one dares to voice, Voight got to him first.

Just when Commander Crowley is about to leave Erin enters the bullpen. Clearly surprised to see the commander here, she gives a curt nod in acknowledgement before she slips over to her desk, ignoring Crowley's unimpressed glare.

Erin flips down onto her chair and waits until the commander has left the Intelligence floor before she asks, "So what was that all about?"

Antonio just stares at her in disbelief, before he marches over to her desk and orders her in Voight's office.

Jay would love to know what they are discussing and if she's telling him about what went down last night, but he busies himself with filling out paper work for the case and gathering all the notes and pictures that are pinned to the white board.

15 minutes later Erin storms out of Voight's office and heads straight for her desk, taking her jacket and intent on leaving the bullpen, before Jay catches her and guides her into the break room, closing the door behind them.

"What's going on?" he questions and is slightly taken aback by the hostile look on her face.

He almost expects her to yell at him, before her features soften and she says, "I'm gonna take the day off. Antonio wants me to look after Voight."

He can see that it troubles her to even say her father figures name and her voice is slightly bitter and pained when she adds, "Wants to make sure he's ok."

Erin can see that Jay wants to ask her more, wants to know why Voight sent them on a wild goose chase last night and what happened when she found him, because he knows she knows Voight like the back of her hand so he has no doubt that she has indeed managed to find him.

"Jay, don't," she pleads. "It's better if you don't know…" she trails off and is already making her way past him before he can even get a word in.

When she reaches the door she turns around though and says, "I'll see you tonight". It's a promise, a promise that even though she can't tell him about Voight (at least not right now), she still wants him in her life, she's not pushing him away and at this point Jay will take anything he can get, to make sure she's ok, to make sure she's safe and not out and about running away from her grief.

They haven't even had the chance to talk about Justin's death he realizes, with everything that has happened the day before and her being gone for several hours, not responding to any of his calls or messages.

"I'll see you tonight," he echoes and for a split second Erin looks torn, looks like she wants to sit down with him and tell him everything that's on her mind.

A silent look of understanding passes between the two partners. Now is not the time, but maybe one day she'll be ready to share it with him.

"Er," he calls out and she waits, her hand resting on the door handle, ready to pull the door open and leave.

He's by her side in a matter of seconds, but makes no move to stop her from opening the door. She waits for him to say something, but he can't bring himself to say it. It is neither the right time nor the right place to say the words that are laying on the tip of his tongue, waiting to tumble out and make their life even more complicated than it already is.

That's why he just squeezes her shoulder and gives her a look that he hopes will reassure her that she's doing the right thing and that he'll be there no matter what.

She raises one of her hands and places it above the one resting on her shoulder, intertwining their fingers for one short moment, giving his hand a squeeze and letting go before walking out of the room. Jay follows her on her way out and towards the stairs and when she turns back towards him one last time, he says, "Whatever happens. Just remember, I'm only one call away."


	3. Human

**Title:** Only Time Will Tell

 **Rating:** T

 **A/N:** Thanks again to everyone who read, favorited and followed this story :) Special thanks to **Montelini, danie14, Natascha2Tata, ShimmerShimmerx and NALEY23alwaysforever** for your feedback :) Hope you enjoy reading and please forgive any mistakes (spelling or otherwise).

 **Cover art by:** mehtiification

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Chicago PD or its characters.**

* * *

 **Chapter 3:** _Human_

Jay can't help but glance at the clock once again. He has lost count of how many times his eyes have already wandered there during the day, the hours seeming to tick by ever so slowly today, and he still hasn't heard from Erin.

He resists the urge to call her, knowing full well that she won't pick up the phone if she's still with Voight and if she's not she probably doesn't want to talk, otherwise she would've called him by now.

He tries to focus on filling out paperwork for the house search they did yesterday, on the hunt for Justin's killer, but his thoughts keep drifting to Voight and Erin. He wonders what they might be talking about, although he has the sinking suspicion that Voight might have done something that he can't undo.

Judging by Erin's reaction yesterday and today in the break room when she told him he would be better off not knowing, it's pretty bad. He thinks back to the time he stopped Voight (and Olinsky) from killing Pulpo after Antonio had been shot and suddenly it all makes sense.

The way Erin's been acting after she'd hung up on him and been missing all evening and her not wanting to talk to him about what had happened after he'd told her the suspect was not at the address Voight provided them with and Voight was not there either.

He knows she wouldn't stand for Voight killing someone, but if Voight had actually gone through with it and killed Kevin Bingham for murdering his son she wouldn't turn on him either, because Voight had been there for her her entire life.

Even though Jay doesn't agree with Voight's actions he understands where the man is coming from. After all he had been close to doing something he regretted after Lonnie Rodinger had murdered Ben Corson all those years ago. Ben had been like a little brother to Jay and he doesn't want to imagine what would happen if, some day far off in the future, his own child fell victim to murder and he'd cross paths with the person who murdered them.

He sighs and is just about ready to get back to filling out the form sitting in front of him, when Antonio makes his way out of Voight's office and announces that they can pack up for the day and continue finishing their paperwork tomorrow.

Jay really wants to go home, but the prospect of coming back to an empty apartment again and sitting there waiting for Erin for hours on end has him hesitating and when Mouse comes up to him and asks him slightly hesitant whether he wants to grab a few beers at Molly's with Atwater and Ruzek he says he's in.

* * *

Erin's been sitting in her car, parked in front of Voight's house, for the better part of an hour now, but she still can't bring herself to get out and make her way up the steps of the place she once used to call home.

Grief and anger are battling inside of her and she doesn't know what would happen if she were to come face to face with her pseudo father right this moment.

She pulls out her phone and her fingers hover over Jay's contact. She's ready to call him and ask him for help. He is good at giving advice and if she's being honest it's not only about her needing his advice on how to deal with the whole Voight situation, not it's more about her needing to hear the voice of the very person she trusts most at this moment in her life.

She watches when her finger hits the call button in what seems like slow motion, but almost immediately presses "end call", because doubts start creeping in.

What if something came up and they are on a bust right now and her call distracts Jay so that the perp they are chasing is able to get the jump on him and her partner gets hurt because she was being needy and couldn't deal with a simple house visit on her own.

She knows this scenario is highly unlikely but it makes her feel better about not taking her boyfriend up on the offer of calling him. She doesn't want to seem vulnerable. She's already embarrassed enough by the little break down she had in front of him last night, although deep down she's aware that it's nothing to be ashamed of, that even she is allowed to show her emotions and let her walls down every once in a while.

Although that has been happening to her a lot lately. She's barely kept it together after they'd found Justin in the trunk of his car and from then on it has only gotten worse, culminating in her having a break down in the break room after Sharon Goodwin told them Justin wasn't gonna make it.

Silent tears start running down her face when she thinks about the man that has become a brother to her over the past 15, almost 16 years.

It's in this moment that she decides that she's not ready to face Hank yet and that she needs to be someplace else right now. She turns on the engine of her car and drives off, thinking that the place where she's headed might be able to give her some peace.

* * *

When Jay steps inside his apartment after having spent a few hours at Molly's with his coworkers and friends, he doesn't expect to see Erin reclining on his couch.

She's wrapped in a blanket and her small form looks even tinier than normal. His heart breaks at the sight and he wonders just how long she has been here waiting for him.

He makes his way over to her, careful not to make too much noise. He isn't sure whether she's asleep as she has yet to acknowledge his presence, but in case she is he does everything to guarantee that it stays this way.

Sensing a weight next to her, Erin rises from her light slumber and smiles tiredly at her boyfriend.

"Hey," he greets. "I just wanted to grab a change of clothes and then I would've headed straight to your place."

"It's ok," she says. "I think spending the night at your place for a change is actually not that bad."

"Not that bad?" he questions, pretending to be slightly offended.

She sits up and eyes him for a second before winking at him, adding "Yeah, at least it's not as intimate as prison" referring to a conversation they had about one of the apartments Jay had thought about buying after the lease on his apartment would be up.

Jay just looks at her incredulously and she has to laugh when she sees him pouting like a little boy whose just been told that Santa isn't real.

"Oh c'mon Jay, you won't be living here for much longer anyway."

"You're right I won't, but if you keep insulting my apartment I might just end up choosing to go for the one with the toilet next to the stove after all," he grins and she gasps in mock outrage. "You wouldn't."

As nice as it feels to escape the cruel reality of what has happened over the past few days for a while, Erin knows she can't keep avoiding the most pressing issues forever, so she decides a subject change is in order and drops her head on Jay's shoulder, intertwining their hands.

Jay senses the shift in his partner immediately and looks at her expectantly, knowing she's ready to talk now.

She takes a deep breath and admits, "I didn't talk to Hank. I went to see Olive and Daniel."

"I just needed to make sure they were ok…" she trails off unsure of how to word what's going on inside her head.

Jay doesn't push her though, he just squeezes the hand that is intertwined with his and with this simple gesture and the look in his eyes he conveys to her that she can take as long as needs to gather her thoughts and that he'll be there with her, no matter how long they'll have to sit on that couch for her to get it all off of her chest.

"Olive is trying to organize the funeral, so I kept an eye on Daniel. He's such a sweetheart. He's too young to understand his dad is not going to come home to him..."

There's a pause after she's said that last sentence and a lone tear rolls down her cheek. Jay brushes it away with his thumb and Erin glances up at him, before letting her gaze drop down to their hands that are still intertwined, resting in her lap.

She's thankful for having him here with her, for not having to go through this on her own. After Nadia she hadn't been able to see past the enormous guilt that had consumed her, hadn't felt like she deserved anyone's support or care and had just wanted to be left alone so she could wallow in her grief and guilt.

Things are different now, not only because she can't put the blame for what happened to Justin on herself, but because she's learned from her past mistakes too.

She does want to let people in, especially Jay. After all they've been through he deserves that from her. He deserves someone who trusts him enough to let their walls down in front of him, but he also deserves someone without baggage, someone who isn't dragging him down constantly, someone he can build a life with, someone who isn't her.

"I'm sorry," she whispers, her voice broken.

He just looks at her and waits. For what exactly he doesn't know. Although she's just started to open up to him, he can sense that her walls are about to go up again and he can't have that. They've come too far during this past year for her to retreat back into her shell again now.

"Er," he pleads, "Talk to me."

The easiest way to avoid talking would be to tell him she isn't ready, that she just needs more time to process all of what has happened recently, but she doesn't want to take the coward way out this time.

She thinks maybe easing into it is the best way to go and starts talking. "You know, when Justin got out of prison he kissed me and when I shoved him back he gave me that speech about how he was all grown up now and how he was gonna prove it to me…"

She chuckles humorlessly, "I don't know what got into him that night. But in the end he did end up proving to me that he wasn't a kid anymore. He got his life together and cared for his family. I was so proud of him…"

"It's just so unfair. He was only trying to help a friend. He didn't deserve any of this…"

It's silent again and neither of them speaks for a while, each of them lost in their own thoughts.

"I wish he'd come to Hank or me with this. It didn't have to end like this…"

Deciding he's heard enough and he isn't gonna let her put the blame for yet another person close to her being murdered on herself again, Jay speaks up, "You know you can't blame yourself for this right? It was his decision to not get either of you involved and to try and help Melissa on his own."

Feeling exhausted and not wanting this to turn into a fight, she just sighs and asks, "Can we go to bed? I'm tired."

* * *

When they lay in bed together not much later, Erin is trying her hardest to keep her emotions in check, but every time she closes her eyes she either sees Justin lying there in the trunk of his car, bleeding out with his hands tied behind his back with barbed wire or Hank making Justin's killer dig his own grave in the pouring rain out by the silos.

As if he's aware of her inner struggle and knows that she needs the comfort of being held in his strong arms, Jay pulls her closer and drops a kiss to her forehead.

"It's ok," he soothes and traces invisible patterns into the soft skin of her left arm. He keeps that up and starts telling her random stories from his childhood in an attempt to distract her from the pain she's clearly feeling, even making her laugh when he tells her about a particular mean prank Will pulled on him once and the one he pulled on his older brother in return, resulting in both of them being grounded for a month.

After her breathing has finally evened out and he's sure she is fast asleep he whispers, "It's ok to show emotions and not keep them locked up inside of us, we're only human after all."


	4. Holding On

**Title:** Only Time Will Tell

 **Rating:** T

 **A/N:** Thank you to everyone who continues to support this story by reading, following and/or favoriting it :) Special thanks to **Montelini, michnkicks, ShimmerShimmerx and LUKELORE** for your feedback :) Hope you enjoy reading and please forgive any mistakes (spelling or otherwise). I don't really know what to say about this chapter other than after watching 4x01, seeing Hank visiting Justin's grave and being witness to that heartbreaking scene between Olive, Daniel and Hank, I felt the need to write about Justin's funeral since we didn't get to see it on the show and the story is set between 3x23 and 4x01 anyway so it only makes sense for the funeral to be part of it. Actually this chapter is only the lead up to the funeral, because it was getting a little too long. So I'm not sure how many more chapters there are to come after the funeral and I still haven't made up my mind about how to deal with the issue of her moving/not moving the body but I guess I'll most probably end it before that comes into play. Thank you again for sticking with me/this story. It means a lot :)

 **Cover art by:** mehtiification

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Chicago PD or its characters.**

* * *

 **Chapter 4:** _Holding On  
_

When it comes to Erin Lindsay Jay Halstead has experienced the feeling of being utterly helpless on more than one occasion, but after they had gotten back together roughly 8 months ago he didn't think it would all go downhill for her, for them, in a matter of a few days.

At the moment Erin he is watching his partner, who is sound asleep next to him. He's actually surprised she called him to ask whether he wanted to come over earlier tonight, because she had opted to go without the comfort of his strong arms for the past three days in a row, claiming it was better she spent the night at Olive and Justin's place, because Olive and Daniel needed her.

He couldn't really argue with her logic, although he wishes she had let him be there for her, for them, too. He knows he's not an official part of their little family (yet), and considering Erin's commitment issues and all she's been through in her past he should feel lucky she's let this continue for as long as it has and has even let her walls down around him, even if it felt like they were back up in a matter of seconds, but it still stings that she won't lean on him for help when it's quiet obvious that she could really use an ear to listen or a hand to gently shake her awake when she has another one of her nightmares.

He knows that she has them and even if she's denied that she's been having trouble sleeping for the last couple of days, it is evident that his suspicions were correct when he hears her whimpering quietly in her sleep.

Jay reaches out, but pulls his hand back at the last second. He doesn't want her to know he's watched her sleep for the better part of the night. He knows she finds it creepy when he does that (or more like she pretends to), she's teased him about it countless times. But he's not sure whether she'd find it funny if she was aware he was watching her fighting off invisible demons in her sleep, because he knows she doesn't like showing her vulnerable side in front of anyone, not even the people closest to her.

Instead of waking her up, he wraps his body around hers, so that she's cocooned in the warmth and safety of his arms. He hopes he'll be able to provide her with some form of comfort through this action and it seems to be working because she's unconsciously snuggling closer into him, the heat radiating off of his bare chest warming her chilling body from the inside out.

Jay doesn't know how this day will turn out, if Erin will still turn to him after having to face the cruel reality of Justin being brutally ripped out of her life much sooner than she'd ever thought he would. What he knows is that Hank Voight will most probably be there (despite having totally gone off the grind since his son's death Jay can't imagine his boss would miss his son's funeral for anything in the world, not even for getting revenge on Justin's killer and all the things that might have set into motion) and he hopes for Hank and Erin's sake that they'll be able to put aside their difference and mourn the death of their family member in peace.

* * *

Erin has been awake long enough to realize that she must've had another nightmare (she's started having them quite frequently since she's decided sleeping at Olive's, without Jay, was what was best for everyone at the moment) which must've prompted Jay to pull her closer and into his warm embrace. She knows he was probably up most of the night watching her sleep because he's worried about her, worried that she's gonna spiral again like she did after Nadia. His worry is definitely not unfounded and she appreciates his concern for her, but at the same time it makes her want to run away and find another way to numb the pain, anger and grief coursing through her body. She hates herself for it, for always feeling the urge to run as soon as things become more serious and someone gets too close to her, but it's been her saving grace since she's been a teenager and it's hard to shake old habits and even harder shake that past that she's been trying to forget and get away from ever since the Voight's took her in on that faithful day in November. November 13th 2001 the day that would be forever etched in her memory as the day Hank Voight saved her life by choosing to give her a second chance, the possibility to turn her life around and be better for it.

The different emotions warring inside of her are almost too much and make her want to get up and escape the shelter of his arms and retreat to the sanctity of her bathroom, to calm her racing heart and thoughts.

Ignoring her body's natural flight instinct is becoming more difficult with every second that ticks by, but for once she's able to fight back and snuggles closer into her partner's chest.

She wants to hold on to this moment and cherish it for as long as she can, because she isn't sure what will happen to them and their relationship after today. The day they have to bury the man she's considered her brother for almost half her life.

Erin now more than ever wishes she had a crystal ball to tell her what the future holds, to tell her they are all gonna make it out of this unscathed and be able to continue on their respective paths in life without the consequences of what has been done looming over their heads.

But since she doesn't have any spiritual or magical aids to help calm her nerves she settles for staying in her little bubble of peace and quiet just for a little while longer, before she carefully extricates herself from the refuge his arms provide her with and sits up, prepared to leave the man she's been in love with for quite some time now (even if she hasn't managed to admit it out loud yet) and trusts with her life, behind and get ready for a day that might end up making or breaking their relationship.

She hasn't counted on Jay's quick reflexes though. His hand shoots out the instant she moves away from him and latches onto her arm, effectively preventing her from getting up and putting any more distance between them.

"What are you doing?" he asks and the question is loaded with so much underlying uncertainty and fear, the fear of losing her or of already having lost her, that it makes her heart ache in her chest and she turns back around to face him.

"Getting ready," she responds calmly, trying to keep her voice void of emotions.

"It's only 7am, Er. The…It doesn't start until 11."

She knows he was gonna say "the funeral" but changed his mind because he was being considerate of her feelings. She doesn't want him to though. For once she wants him to be an inconsiderate jerk so that she can be mad at him, concentrate on something other than having to say one final goodbye to Justin in only a few hours. She's not prepared to do it and thinks that maybe if she just stays here in her apartment with Jay she can block out the events of the past few days and pretend that everything is fine and that Justin won't be lying six feet under, buried beneath the cold, hard cemetery ground, by the end of the day instead of being at home with his wife and recently turned 1-year-old son.

"Jay," she sighs, "I promised Olive to stop by before we have to leave for the funeral service at the cemetery chapel. Her sister's flight got delayed so she won't arrive until late this afternoon which means I'm the only support she's got right now, considering…" she stops, not willing to acknowledge that Hank has only stepped by once in the past 3 days.

She huffs out a breath of frustration and with finality in her voice that leaves no room for argument she says, "I still need to shower before I leave, so I have to get up now or otherwise I risk being late."

"Okay," he relents, but doesn't loosen the hold on her arm until he's managed to give her a quick kiss on the lips. It's no more than a peck, but even that brief contact manages to make her heart flutter in her chest and swell with love for the man who has done nothing but support her and have her back ever since they became partners 2 ½ years ago.

He finally lets her go and she moves out of bed and towards the adjoining bathroom. Before she's completely disappeared from view she turns around one more time and says, "You are welcome to stay here as long as you want to. Since I have to stop by at Olive's and take Olive and Daniel to the cemetery later I think it's better if we drive separately anyway, so you could go back to sleep…"

"I think I'll head home and change during the time you're spending at Olive's," he replies. Not mentioning that he's brought one of his suits with him (just in case) and it's currently in the back of his car, just waiting for him to get down to the parking lot and retrieve it.

"Ok, then I'll see you at the cemetery," she confirms with a nod and then she's gone and soon Jay hears the unmistakable sound of the shower running.

Instead of taking her up on her offer of going back to sleep, he gets up and locates his clothes at the other end of the room, he puts his shirt, jeans and socks back on and leaves the room moving through her apartment with practiced ease even though the first rays of the early morning sun are the only sign of light.

When he arrives in her kitchen, he opens her fridge and looks around for ingredients that are actually still edible and that he can use to whip up a decent breakfast for Erin, because he knows she'd skip it otherwise and her body needs all the strength it can get at the moment. A balanced nutrition and making sure she stays hydrated are good first steps in the right direction, so when she comes out of her bathroom about 20 minutes later and heads to the kitchen to retrieve her morning dose of caffeine, her nostrils not only get hit with a wave of the delicious aroma freshly brewed coffee but also of Jay's homemade pancakes and her gratitude towards him skyrockets instantly.

Her face breaks out into a smile before she can stop herself at the side of him wearing an apron and flipping a pancake and she manages a "thank you" before hungrily digging in to the food Jay's set out on the countertop for her.

The thought of having breakfast had completely slipped her mind, but leave it to her boyfriend to know this would happen and make sure she got something into her empty stomach nonetheless.

They eat in silence and after they are done, Erin moves to take care of the dishes, that's the least she can do after he's cooked for her, but he gently swats her hands away and says he'll take care of it and that he wants her to go and get dressed so she won't be late.

She feels guilty for a few moments, because he's done so much for her over the past few days and she's sidelined him, to wrapped up in her grief, anger and dealing with what went down at the silos to think about the fact that even though he didn't just lose a family member it must have felt to him like he was losing her, because she was shutting him out again.

But on the other hand she was only doing it to protect him. She can't tell him what happened for fear of someone finding out and him having to go down with them because he had knowledge of what went down and didn't alert the higher ups about it. No, if someone has to go down for this, she knows one thing for sure: it won't be Jay. She'll do everything in her power to stop that from happening.

* * *

When she arrives back in the kitchen another 15 minutes later, the clock is running after all, she finds Jay leaning against the countertop, having cleaned away all remainders of their breakfast in the time she took to get ready.

She makes her way over to where he stands and hugs him tight, even if she doesn't have the words to say how much she appreciates him being there for her right now, she wants to assure him that she's thankful for what he does and before she pulls away she leans in and whispers, "I know it might seem like I'm trying to sideline you in all of this, but the truth is I don't know how to go on after everything that's happened with Justin…and Hank. Having you here by my side through all of this makes holding on and not letting go a lot easier, because it's you I'm holding on to…"

Embarrassed by her little show of emotion she tries to make a quick escape towards the front door of her apartment, but Jay's reflexes once again provide him with the advantage of catching her before she can get away.

"Hey, not so fast…," his arms wrapped tightly around her from behind, his voice rings out close to her ear and then he spins her around so she's facing him, drops a gentle kiss to her lips and admits, "There were times when I felt like quitting and just giving up, when I felt like I could barely breath, but being with you has giving me a reason to hold on too."

His eyes shine with unspoken love and his little admission makes her a lot happier than she thought she could and would be today.

The smile that had crept onto her face after she heard him say she was his reason for holding on, diminishes slightly when she remembers what today is all about and what lies ahead of them, but when she makes her way out of the apartment she's still in a better mood than she has been in for most of the week, that counts for something, right?


	5. Beautifully Unfinished

**Title:** Only Time Will Tell

 **Rating:** T

 **A/N:** Thanks again to everyone who has read/favorited/followed this story so far :) Special thanks to **Natascha2Tata, NALEY23alwaysforever, Montelini and** for your feedback :) Hope you enjoy reading and please forgive any mistakes (spelling or otherwise). I'm sorry for the delay, but here is the funeral chapter ;) I have decided that it's also going to be the last chapter of this story. It just felt like a good place to end it here and I hope I did it justice :) I couldn't resist making a reference to the deleted scene from 4x04, plus I also like to sleep with at least 4 pillows in my bed :D

 **PS.:** To any of you who are waiting for an update on _Love Will Remember_ : I'm working on it and hope to finish the next chapter in a couple of weeks, so just know I haven't given up on it just yet ;)

 **PPS.:** This chapter is dedicated to my close friend **mehtiification.**

 **Cover art by:** mehtiification

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Chicago PD, its characters or the song _Beautifully Unfinished_ by Ella Henderson. **

* * *

**Chapter 5:** _Beautifully Unfinished_

When Erin finally pulls up at the cemetery it's already 10.30 am. The service isn't supposed to start for another half an hour, but a quick scan of the parking lot tells her that the majority of people who are here to honor Justin's life have already arrived.

She gets out of the car, makes her way around and opens the door on the passenger side. When Olive makes no attempt to get out and just stays slumped down in the passenger seat, Erin moves to the back door, opens it and reaches inside to unbuckle Daniel and get him out of his car seat.

The little boy has been fussy all morning. It's as if he knows that something isn't right and that his mom is sad and in distress and he responds to it in his own way.

It takes Erin three attempts to finally free him, because he's wiggling around and kicking his little feet at her, not willing to leave the car while his mom is still inside.

"Danny, no," Erin chides when he starts pulling on her hair, but his grip on the strands caught between his tiny fingers only tightens.

Erin readjusts him on her hip and carefully pries his hold open. Once her hair is free she tugs it behind her ear and makes her way back to the front of the car.

Olive hasn't moved an inch since Erin left her to retrieve Daniel and she doesn't look like she's going to any time soon.

Erin carefully places a hand on the young mother's shoulder and squeezes it lightly.

Olive jumps in her seat and looks at her dead husband's pseudo sister for the first time since they've left the house.

The blonde's eyes are glassy and her gaze is unfocused, it seems like she's seeing right through Erin who is still holding her nephew protectively in her arms.

"Olive," Erin tries again, this time using her voice to provide a much needed anchor to reality for the other woman. "We are here. You have to get out of the car. Your son needs you."

Erin knows it's not fair to bring up Daniel in a moment where Olive is stricken by grief for his dead father, but she needs her to get through today and the mention of her son seems to be the only thing that's able to pull her out of the dark space she was in just seconds ago and Olive finally emerges from Erin's car and reaches out for Daniel who has been watching the whole scene unfolding in front of him with big eyes.

Erin gently transfers the boy into his mother's arms and closes the door before wrapping her arm around Olive's shoulders and guiding her towards the entrance of the cemetery, all the while looking around for Voight's black Escalade, but coming up empty.

Before entering the cemetery grounds she gives one last backward glance over her shoulder but still doesn't spot the car or its owner. She lets out a frustrated sigh, quickening her steps and pulling Olive and Daniel along, hoping against all hope that Voight might've parked around the corner and is already waiting inside the small chapel located in the middle of the cemetery.

* * *

Jay only stays at Erin's place for approximately 10 minutes after she's left and makes sure to lock the door on his way out. Even in this neighborhood you don't want to make it easier for someone to rob you, although he reckons that if someone really wanted to break into Erin's apartment the door being locked wouldn't stop them.

He can perfectly recount all the times that it has happened already, the images are still imprinted in his head as if it had been just yesterday.

There's the time after Nadia died and his partner had been held hostage at gunpoint in her own apartment. He still dreams about it sometimes, but his dreams always take a turn for the worse and they don't make it over to her apartment in time and find the apartment ransacked and both Landon and Erin lying on the floor in a pool of their own blood, a gunshot wound to the head, dead eyes staring back at them, at him.

The nightmares change every so often. Sometimes they involve Yates and what went down between him and Erin before she killed him in self-defense. His imagination is running wild although he knows exactly how it went down from the police records and the statements Erin and Voight had to give after their backup had arrived and found Yates and his father dead on the scene.

Sometimes his mind comes up with a scenario in which Yates hides in Erin's apartment and waits for her to come home and doesn't leave her place before she arrives like he has done in reality.

Sometimes his mind wanders back to the day Erin went to check up on Tawny Darrens on her own and almost got hurt and raped because of it and in his dreams he's always a second too late and it's not Ty Henley who ends up dead but Erin because Ty manages to cut her throat before Jay can take the shot that would have saved her life.

Jay shakes his head to clear his thoughts when he gets to his car. He can't keep thinking about all the ways Erin could've gotten hurt or killed now, he has to concentrate on getting home so he can take a shower, get dressed for the funeral and be there on time to pay his last respect to Voight's son and show his support for Erin, Daniel and Olive.

Although he has only met Justin a handful of times and the younger man always seemed a bit weary of him and his intentions, he had come around eventually after he'd seen how happy Erin was when she was around Jay or just talking about him.

One day they had visited Justin and Olive and stayed for dinner and he hadn't meant to eavesdrop, but he'd overheard Justin and Erin while they were doing the dishes in the kitchen after they'd finished dinner and Justin had told her that every time Jay's name came up in conversation her face would light up and despite "still not trusting the guy" Justin was happy that Jay obviously made her happy.

Jay had quickly moved back to the living room and joined Olive who was playing with Daniel and pretended that he hadn't heard a single thing although oddly enough he had to admit he was strangely pleased by what had been said about him.

The young detective blinks when he realizes that he's still standing beside his car, his hand resting on the door handle. If he keeps this up he'll never be at the chapel in time for the funeral service, so he resolves himself to not letting his thoughts drift off again until the day is over. He has to keep it together for Erin's sake. He's seen what all of this has already done to her and he's afraid of what she's gonna do after they've buried Justin.

It seems like all she's done so far is trying to push her feelings down or ignore them, except for these brief moments when she's allowed herself to fall apart in his arms, in favor of trying to be there for Olive and Daniel.

Jay admires her for that, for the strength it has to take to be as composed as she is, go to work every day as if nothing has happened and to hold what's left of Justin's and her family together.

On the drive back to his apartment he wonders whether Voight will show up today. He's always been a constant in their lives ever since Jay joined the Intelligence Unit two and a half years ago. His watchful eyes have never missed anything going on around the district and even in his detectives' personal lives until almost a week ago when his son was murdered and it seems that Voight's dropped off the face of the earth and doesn't plan on coming back.

Jay considers driving by his place to check up on him. He has refrained from doing so until now because he doesn't want to overstep his boundaries, but he's talked to Olinsky and asked him if he's talked to Voight recently since it has become abundantly clear that Erin isn't gonna be the one to do the talking this time. Al has said he's been by Voight's place to drop off some food, but Voight never seemed to be around when he stopped by.

Sighing tiredly, Jay pulls up in front of his apartment complex, parks his car and gets out just as his phone starts ringing.

Wondering who would call him this early when he's taken the day off, he takes out his phone and scrunches up his brows in confusion when he looks at the caller ID.

"Hey Mouse, what's up?"

* * *

Erin pays no mind to the few people who have decided to wait at the entrance of the little chapel, mainly because she's too focused on getting Olive and Daniel inside without the former suffering from a complete breakdown before they make it inside.

She just hopes people will refrain from trying to offer the newly widowed woman their condolences for now as that would certainly unsettle the emotional blonde even more.

She almost sighs with relief when they make it inside without any interruptions, only for Olive to catch sight of the casket that's propped up at the end of the aisle and let out a strangled sob.

Luckily it's closed otherwise Erin isn't sure Olive would even be standing right now. It seems to take all of her strength to not just collapse to the ground right there and then and her gaze is frozen, fixated on the massive black box that contains her husband's dead body.

Even though she can't seem to tear her eyes away from it, the blonde addresses Erin, her voice barely above a whisper.

"I think I can't do this Erin. I thought I could. I thought I was stronger, that I had come to terms with…everything that's happened, but it's too much. I'm… I'm not ready," her voice breaks at the end and she has to close her eyes for a moment and focus on what she's trying to say.

When the blonde opens her eyes again she fixes them on the woman standing beside her, still having her arm wrapped around her protectively and quietly admits, "I'm not ready to let him go and I don't know if I'll ever be…"

Standing so close to her, Erin can actually see the emotional turmoil in the younger woman's eyes. It's like a storm of emotions rages inside her soul trying to make its way out.

She knows the feeling - at least she thinks she does. But how would she know how it feels to lose the one person that is supposed to be by your side, stand by you and love you your entire life? She has lost many people in her life and it has been painful and she's wished on more than one occasion that it was her who had died instead of the person who actually did. Camille, Jules, Jin, Nadia, Justin they are all painful reminders that live is short and can be taken away from you much sooner than you ever anticipated and that especially applies to the lifestyle she's leading.

But unlike Olive she hasn't lost the love of her life (yet) and in all honesty after what happened when Nadia was killed she isn't sure she would be able to carry on with her life.

When she looks at the young woman in front of her she's overcome with a wave of immense gratitude that Justin was able to call her his wife and the mother of his son.

She is so proud of him for getting his act together and making something out of his life and that even in his death he tried to protect someone he cared about, just like his father.

Olive's eyes are glassy with unshed tears and Erin can feel her own throat tightening and before she falls victim to her own pain bubbling under the surface and starts crying, she forces herself to clear her throat and commends Olive for being able to make all the important choices that needed to be made after her husband's death, for keeping it together and most importantly for not abandoning her son but taking care of him instead.

She tells the blonde that no matter what happens she will always be able to count on Hank and Erin, that they both will do everything in their power to be there for Olive and her son and that she's not alone in this and that they'll get through it together.

For a brief moment her mind flashes back to the day her own father was taken away from her. She had been older than Daniel and she had been able to understand that her dad wasn't going to come back, even though he didn't die but went to prison.

But it had changed her life and she wonders if maybe her mom had had someone to talk to after it had happened, someone other than her kid daughter, she would've maybe turned her life around and stayed away from the drugs and her and Teddy could actually have had a nice childhood.

It's too late for that now, too late for her own mother to change and frankly Erin knows for a fact that it's not likely that Bunny will ever want to change, she's content living her life like she does and as long as she stays away from her Erin doesn't care how the woman she once used to call 'mom' spends her days.

But for little Daniel and Olive this time is crucial and she really hopes that they'll be able to move on from the tragedy and loss they've suffered and that they'll be able to live their lives without Justin's death hanging over them like a dark cloud, that instead they'll carry him and their happy memories of him and their time as a family with them so that he can live on in their hearts and memory.

"Er," she's startled out of her thoughts by the sound of Jay's voice softly calling her name.

She breaks the eye contact with Olive and turns her head around to come face-to-face with her worried partner.

"Hi Olive …and Danny," Jay makes time to address all three of them and even tickles the little boy resting safely on his mother's hip in an effort to make him smile.

Surprisingly it seems to work, Daniel's face lights up and he squeals in delight when Jay's tickles become a little more insistent.

Remembering where they are after a few seconds, he stops and focuses his attention back on Erin. He came in here for a reason and he thinks it's better to talk to Erin alone about it. He doesn't want to worry Olive, but at the same time he doesn't think leaving her alone would be a good idea.

"I need to talk to you outside," he says and she lets her eyes wander around the room, probably in search of the person he wants to talk to her about, but Voight's not here.

She seems to have reached that conclusion on her own but she doesn't want to leave Olive and Daniel here all by themselves.

Sensing Erin's turmoil Olive assures her that she's gonna be fine and as if on cue one of Olive's close friends approaches them and asks if they need anything.

With one last glance towards Olive and Daniel, the former giving her a small but reassuring smile, Erin follows Jay out of the chapel and they take a few steps away from the small groups of people that are standing outside.

She spots Alvin Olinsky and Trudy Platt among them, although that shouldn't surprise her since Al and Hank have been friends for such a long time and Sergeant Platt has known Voight for more than half of Erin's life. She knows Antonio and the rest of their unit would've shown up too if Crowley had let them, but someone has to make sure that the leads in their current investigation don't run cold and that the victims and their families get justice.

Jay stops when they've rounded a corner and are out of view and earshot, so that none of the other funeral guests can overhear them.

"Have you seen Voight?" Erin asks him before he can even get to telling her why he asked her outside.

"Yeah, actually that's what I wanted to tell you. I saw him arrive about 15 minutes ago, but lost him after we entered the cemetery. I wasn't sure whether my calling him was a good idea and I didn't want to worry you. That's why I didn't tell you earlier."

Erin can tell there's something else on her boyfriend's mind but he seems hesitant to tell her and she thinks she can deal with whatever it is later, first she has to locate Hank and make sure he makes it to the funeral.

She has a pretty good idea of where he might have gone, but thinks that maybe she should try to call him first and see if he is willing to talk.

"Ok, thanks for telling me," she says. "I think I know where he is. Can you go back inside and stay with Olive and Daniel until I get back? I know her friend is with her, but I'd feel better knowing that you are there too."

He understands what she asks of him without her having to voice it out loud and only one look at her is enough to make sure he's got it right. ' _Make sure they're ok, keep them safe._ '

He simply nods in response and watches her walk of, on a mission to find the person that she's looked up to and respected the most during the past 16 years of her live.

Jay hopes that they'll make it, that their relationship isn't damaged beyond repair and that the trust she had in him can be rebuild. As much as he wants to keep Erin safe and away from any trouble she could face if she still stands by Voight after how he's handled things after Justin's murder, he also wants her to not lose the only constant father figure she's ever known.

The knowledge of what Mouse has told him on the phone earlier this morning weighs heavily on him and he knows he needs to warn Erin, to tell her to watch her steps carefully, but there's nothing he can do about it now and he hopes Commander Crowley has the decency to at least let them mourn Justin in peace before she comes barging in, demanding to know what Voight and Erin were up to at the silos.

Just thinking about what Voight has probably done and the thought of Erin being witness to it makes him sick and even though he has suspected that they'd been there all along Mouse telling him that Crowley had someone tracking the GPS on their phones and that both along with a third unidentified phone were placed at that exact location makes it all the more real and he's aware that Erin has to make a decision. She's either going down with their boss for this or follow Crowley's inevitable request to serve them Voight's head on a platter.

While he makes his way back inside the chapel, he reflexively checks his watch and notices that the service is supposed to start in 15 minutes. For Olive's sake he hopes Erin will be back with Voight in time.

* * *

Erin has always been a determined person. The reason for her being determined has changed a lot over the years, but she has never wavered in her determination and now she is determined to locate her mentor and boss and make sure he doesn't miss the funeral of his only son.

She tried calling him several times while she made her way across the cemetery grounds, but it went to voice mail every single time and instead of leaving a message she saves her breath for the confrontation that is about to happen.

She spots him kneeling by a familiar grave, his hand resting on the headstone and slows her pace until she's standing only a few feet away from him.

Although he hasn't acknowledged her presence she knows he's aware that she's there.

He sighs and finally speaks up, still not looking at her, "If you're here to tell me I should be attending the service you could've saved yourself the trouble."

Erin has played over a million scenarios of how this could go on her way over here, but she's still a little shocked by the bluntness of his statement. She's prepared for a fight though and if he even thinks for one second she's gonna leave without him he's dead wrong.

Since pleading with him has gotten her nowhere the last time they spoke, she tries a different approach this time.

"You know what? I actually don't care what you do. It's your son's funeral, so it's your choice. You can stay here and hide out by your wife's grave while your son's wife and your grandson who both are still very much alive mourn their husband and father's death. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things, but I think you owe it to him and to his family to at least be there. I don't know who you are right now, or who you are pretending to be, but the man that saved my life by taking me off the streets and welcomed me into his home and family with open arms all those years ago would never abandon his family like this. But hey what do I know? I'm just the daughter of a drug addict and a criminal so taking advice from me might not be such a good idea anyways. The only thing I really hope for is that after losing his father, Daniel won't lose his grandfather, too. Olive is strong but without guidance she might lose her way and what happens if she chooses to deal with her grief and pain the same way Bunny did? Do you really want your grandson to not only grow up without a father but with a mother who is addicted to drugs?"

She hasn't meant to sound so harsh, but she's just so angry at him in this moment. She can't understand that he's willing to throw it all away, or maybe she can and that's what makes her so angry, because she's been there before and if he's as determined to go down this path as she was she isn't sure anything or anyone can make him come back from it.

In all the years she's known Hank Voight he's never given up on his family, he's always placed them above everything and everyone else, so him actively choosing to stay away from his son's wife and his grandson just doesn't make sense and it breaks Erin's heart to have to stand idly by and watch him let his inner demons win and finally pull him over to the dark side that he's always tried so hard to keep away from the people he loved.

She shakes her head in a mixture of anger, sadness, defeat and disappointment and even though hot angry tears are burning behind her eyes she refuses to let them fall and makes her way back to the chapel. If Hank's not gonna be there for his family, at least she will.

* * *

Jay casts another nervous glance at his watch, it's almost 11 and there's no sign of either Erin or Voight. He's currently sitting in the first row with Olive, who is staring at the coffin in front of them, a vacant expression in her eyes. Daniel is snuggled into Jay's arms, his head resting on the detective's shoulder, when Olive suddenly turns her head around and reaches out for her son.

Jay hands him over immediately, he had only taken him because Olive seemed like she needed a small break from her son's attempts to wiggle out of her arms and crawl across the chapel's floor.

He feels like sitting here is not his place and he's also a little afraid of what might happen if Voight spots him next to Olive. Even though his boss has said he doesn't care about Erin and Jay's relationship status and that he's glad to have Jay as a member of his unit, him having a front row seat at his son's funeral service might be a little too much.

He hears the minister clear his throat and just when he thinks Erin's not going to make it she sinks down next to him. Her face is flushed and she's a little out of breath but other than that she seems to be fine, at least physically.

He gets up and is prepared to take a seat in the row behind them when her hand shoots out and stops him. "What are you doing?" she whispers and he's aware that everyone is watching them, trying to see what's the hold up and why the service doesn't start.

"I thought first row meant family only…" he says, unsure of whether he's made the right choice by getting up.

She just looks at him, a mix of emotions swirling through her eyes. He can't decipher every single one of them because there are so many, but he likes to think that what she's trying to tell him is that he is family. He is _her_ family.

Despite her clearly wanting him to stay right where he is, he's torn, but then he remembers how she sat next to him during Terry's funeral and how just her being there right by his side had given him more comfort than she'd ever know and he motions for her to take his vacated seat next to Olive and when she does and gives him a confused look he sits back down next to her and just squeezes her hand once before focusing his attention on the minister who has patiently waited for them to sort things out before he starts with the eulogy.

* * *

"We have all come together today to honor the life of Justin Voight…"

Erin tries to focus on what is being said about the man that has been a brother to her for the last 16 years, but all she hears is white noise.

The only thing she can focus on is the black casket that is sitting only a few feet away from her. She feels like she can't breathe and just when she thinks she might pass out from lack of oxygen, she feels the slightest hint of a touch on her left hand, the one that, she hasn't noticed until now, is still intertwined with Jay's.

His thumb is lightly stroking the back of her hand and Erin's gaze is transfixed on the minimal movement. The feeling of Jay's touch is grounding her and providing her with the strength she needs not to cry.

It's funny how the slow movements of his finger are able to calm her. ' _Back and forth. Back and forth. Back… and forth…,_ " she repeats it in her head like a mantra and unconsciously reaches over to Olive to take her hand too.

She might not be able to look at her right now, but she can try and give her at least a fraction of the comfort her partner is giving her.

Erin still can't hear anything other than a low mumbling sound which is more of a background sound to her thoughts than anything else.

She thinks about the first time she's met Justin when he was just an 8-year-old boy, no more than a "snot-nosed kid" to put it in his own words. She can't help but smile at how much he's changed over the past years.

He'd always been a bit short-tempered and was quick to act out when something hadn't gone the way he wanted it to, but Camille had always known how to get him back on track and calm him down. His mother's death had hit him hard and with Voight numbed by his own grief there had been no one to keep him in check.

Erin had tried her hardest to keep him away from the wrong crowd, but Justin had been desperate and he hadn't been willing to see the truth until one day he had been in that car accident that had changed his life.

She wouldn't say she was glad it had happened, because someone had gotten hurt and that someone would have to live their life paralyzed from the waist down, but she had been glad that Justin had to face the consequences of his actions for once, even if he'd still acted none the wiser after he had gotten out of prison.

So Hank enlisting him in the Army had been Justin's saving grace. Even if joining the Army had meant that he met the friend whose wife would later come to him asking for help, which in turn had resulted in him getting murdered.

But who knows what might have happened if he had taken a different path, he might have never gotten in touch with Olive again, so they might have never had Danny or gotten married and he might have died while doing a job for one of his so-called friends who only associated with him to let him do their dirty work.

Not wanting to let her thoughts wander back to those days, she simply recalls the last time she's spent time with Justin just a couple of month before his son's first birthday.

They had met up after Erin's shift had ended and gone out to dinner. Just the two of them. Voight had been busy and Olive had been visiting her sister with Daniel. Erin had briefly considered inviting Jay, but hadn't wanted things to get awkward, because Justin had just recently gotten used to idea of the two of them dating, plus Jay had been with her the last time she had visited Olive, Daniel and Justin and she didn't want to give off the impression that they were attached at the hip. She saw him at work and at home after that almost every day so a few hours not spent in his company wouldn't hurt.

She recalls the big smile Justin had on his face when he spotted her coming down the sight walk and how happy he had seemed when he'd talked about his family, his army buddies and that he might get a promotion in a few months, but that he hadn't told his dad about it yet because he didn't want him to be disappointed if it didn't happen.

She's startled out of her thoughts when she feels Jay tugging at her hand and she notices a few of Justin's army buddies moving around the casket, preparing to lift it.

Her gaze follows them carrying the casket to the entrance of the chapel and she realizes the service is over and she has to get up.

People are waiting for her and Olive to make a move and follow after the self-proclaimed pall bearers, so that they can start the funeral procession that will end at Justin's gravesite.

* * *

Jay is hesitant to follow Erin and Olive, who is clutching her son to her chest like he's the lifeline she's holding on to. He still thinks it would be better if he hadn't sat in the first row with them, because he can remember the looks Allie had gotten when she'd tried to sit with him at his mother's funeral service and she had basically been a part of their family by then, but things are different now.

He is an adult and they are in a committed relationship. They love each other, even though neither one of them has said it out loud, but he sees it in the way she looks at him and touches him, knows what's going on inside his head even when he can't seem to find the words to say it and he knows she sees it too.

Their hands are still joined when she gets up, even though she's let go off Olive's hand so the young mother can readjust her grip on her son.

He doesn't want her to let go off his hand too though and that's why he tightens his grip on her. Surprisingly she doesn't even try to untangle their fingers but instead opts to put her free arm around Olive supportively and starts walking down the aisle towards the entrance of the chapel.

The young detective almost doesn't notice Voight who is standing in the shadows near the door and it it's only when he makes his way over towards them and Erin steps back so that their boss can guide Olive and Daniel out of the chapel that he realizes that their sergeant must've been there the whole time.

* * *

Erin's thoughts are a jumbled mess when they finally come to a stop near Justin's gravesite - the casket has already been lowered inside and an American flag is resting on top of it. Even though he wasn't killed while fighting for his country, he was still a member of the United States Army and the number of people from the military base he'd last been stationed on who came to witness the last celebration of his life are a testament to how well-respected and liked he'd been while working there.

A wave of pride and love overcomes her when she steps forward. She lets a single red rose fall down into the grave and moves back to allow the next person to bid farewell to Justin one last time.

She stands off to the sight, Voight, Olive, Daniel and Jay by her side, while she watches people say their last goodbyes. Most of them she doesn't know, but she's glad that Justin has had so many people in his life that cared about him and wanted to pay their last respect to him.

She can hear Olive sob quietly beside her and turns her head to see that Hank has wrapped an arm around her to shield her from the curious and sympathetic glances that the other funeral guests throw her way, his other arm is wrapped protectively around his grandson who is settled on his hip and looks thoroughly exhausted from the events of this morning.

Erin can't help but wonder why she's not breaking down right now. Maybe it's because Hank showed up and proved that he hasn't given up on life and them just yet or maybe it's because it finally sinks in that she isn't in this alone, that she has people to lean on in this time of grief and sorrow.

She lets her gaze sweep over the other funeral guests, catching Olinsky's eye who gives her an almost imperceptible nod, then letting it fall on Trudy Platt standing next to him, who is offering her a tight-lipped grim smile and finally her head turns so she's able to face the man who is been beside her through all of this and has not once faltered in his unwavering support for her.

He's silent and watches her so intently that she almost can't hold his gaze. She feels like he's able to look straight into her soul and if it were anyone else looking at her like that it would be bound to make her feel uncomfortable, but it's Jay and that alone has her heart starting to beat harder in her chest, the warm feeling of being loved spreading out through her entire being, silent tears running down her face.

She hasn't even noticed she has been crying until Jay gently wipes her tears away with his thumb.

The tender moment is broken by Voight clearing his throat uncomfortably and Erin takes a step back from her boyfriend and turns back around to face her mentor.

"I just wanted to say that I'm gonna take Olive and this little guy here home."

"Just let me get Danny's seat from my car…," Erin starts but Voight cuts her off, "No need, I brought one with me."

If his words surprise her she doesn't show it, but instead gives him a small nod.

"I'll see you in a few then," she offers and watches the three of them leave, clamping her mouth shut before she can add anything that she might end up regret saying later on.

* * *

As soon as they've made it back to the parking lot, Jay notices a slight change of behavior in his girlfriend and he can't help but feel slightly alarmed.

"Look," she starts and Jay knows from her body language and her tone of voice that she's going to say something he doesn't want to hear.

"Don't," he says. "Just don't."

He thought they'd made progress, he'd thought she was letting him in and was finally allowing herself to lean on him and not just do everything on her own, but it looks like he's been wrong all along.

"I'll meet you at your place when you get back," he tells her and for her sake tries to keep the hurt out of his voice. He wants to leave, but he doesn't want to leave without her. It feels wrong on so many different levels to part ways like that and once again the words are on the tip of his tongue, but he bites them back.

She's already on her way to shutting him out again if he tells her how he feels now that might be the final straw.

"Jay," her voice is almost broken when she utters his name and it has him rooted to the spot.

"I," she seems to be at a loss for words, but gathers her thoughts and is able to carry on, "I didn't mean to hurt you. I just thought that you might not want to join me after…"

She doesn't finish her sentence and she doesn't need to. Jay realizes she wasn't trying to shut him out, she was only trying to spare him from having to be around her and Voight when it's clear that it's highly likely that it might get uncomfortable between them at any point during the wake held at Olive and Justin's home.

"I'll stand by you. No matter what happens, I'll always be there to have your back. I thought you knew that."

"I do," she whispers and closes the remaining distance between them. "Sometimes it's just hard for me to remember it…"

* * *

When they arrive at Olive and Justin's home not much later there's no tension left between them and Erin is prepared to face her boss once again. She just hopes they'll be able to keep it civil for one afternoon.

She doesn't plan on confronting him again and if his showing up at the service and being there for Olive and Daniel after is any indication she thinks that there's some hope left after all.

Before she can enter the house however Jay stops her and simply says, "Thank you," before quickly leaning down to press a chaste kiss against her lips and then proceeding to pull her inside with him.

* * *

They have been at the wake for the remainder of the afternoon and by the time they decide to leave and head back to her apartment Erin is emotionally and physically exhausted.

She hasn't talked more than a few words to Voight and has mainly kept herself busy playing with Danny while Jay had made sure that the guests always had enough food and refreshments at their disposal.

Voight has kept mainly in the background, but has always stayed close to Olive as if he was worried she'd suddenly vanish into thin air if he left her side.

Erin has felt his eyes on her and his grandson every once in a while too, but every time he's made his way over to them he's always made sure to avoid stepping on her toes and has just said a few words about Daniel and how big he's gotten and how smart he is.

She's only nodded in response and even if her heart aches to repair the relationship they used to have not long ago, she can't bring herself to make the first step. Everything is still to raw and she needs more time to process things before she can think about trying to forgive him for the choice he's made on that fateful night almost a week ago.

Erin and Jay are one of the last ones to leave. Only Voight and Olinsky are staying behind and Daniel has already been put to sleep in his crib.

Erin embraces Olive in a hug and once again she has to fight tears when Olive tells her that she can never repay her for what she's done for her and her son during the last few days.

She feels a hand on her shoulder and expects to find Jay looking at her, but instead it's Voight. He just gives her a nod and squeezes her shoulder once before he steps back, making room for Olinsky to take his place and envelope her in his arms.

"I'm proud of you, kid," the latter tells her and she has to look away before anyone can see the single tear that is running down her cheek.

"Let's go, Halstead," she calls out in attempt to mask her emotions and practically runs out of the house and towards her car.

* * *

On the way over to her apartment Jay thinks of the best way to tell her about what Mouse has told him earlier in the day. The longer he keeps this from her the higher gets the risk of Crowley ambushing her unprepared.

"You've been awfully quiet," Erin prompts when they pull up in front of her apartment complex, "Something on your mind?"

He waits for her to turn off the engine and says, "Mouse called me this morning. I didn't want to tell you with everything that's happened today, but I think you should know…"

He swallows nervously and she looks at him expectantly, "Well, what is it?"

"Maybe it's better if we discuss this inside," he replies, stalling for time. They both know what he's doing, but Erin relents and they get out of the car and make their way up to her apartment.

* * *

Jay can't help but think that this feels eerily familiar to the night after Justin's death. He's sitting on the couch in Erin's apartment, but this time he's not waiting hours for her to come. This time she's already here with him, grabbing two bottles of beer from the fridge before she's making her way over to him and settles down next to him, offering him one of the two bottles.

"Thanks," he says and takes a big gulp of the alcoholic beverage before mustering up the courage to say what needs to be said.

"Crowley knows."

Erin visibly tenses up next to him and narrows her eyes ad him before asking, "Knows what exactly?"

"She knows that while the rest of the unit went on a wild goose chase after Justin's murderer at the other end of town, you and Voight were at the silos with him."

He doesn't look at her, but he doesn't need to, her silence is confirmation enough that it's the truth.

"Look, I'm not trying to accuse you of anything here," he says. "I'm just trying to tell you you have to be careful. Mouse told me that after the radio communication stopped that Crowley had the GPS on your phones tracked and that it put both of your phones and a third phone there."

There's another bout of silence before Erin says, "Thank you for telling me. I know it's not easy, especially after what you heard from Mouse, but all I ask of you is to trust me with this."

"I trust you, Er," he says without hesitation. ' _It's just Voight and Crowley I don't trust'_ he adds in his head, but from the look on her face he can tell that she's read what's on his mind and received the message loud and clear.

"You don't have to worry about any of this," she says, "Just trust me to handle it."

He's not happy about it but he's willing to let it go for the moment. They can worry about it tomorrow, because after today all he wants to do is get into bed and hold her, so that he knows she's safe and that no one will be able to get to her without having to go up against him first.

"Let's go to bed," she says and stands up, taking the bottle of beer from him and putting it along with hers into the kitchen sink before moving over towards her bedroom.

He turns of the lights and follows after her, content to just put his mind at rest for the day.

* * *

Shortly after they are lying in bed, Erin is using Jay as a body-shaped pillow (he's a really great substitute for the six pillows she's stashed away in her closet- she had really missed them when she'd slept at Olive and Justin's place but now she can really do without) and she is cuddled up against his side, one of her legs thrown over both of his, while her head is resting on his chest and she listens to his heartbeat.

The steady _thump-thump_ soothes her and it's in this moment that she realizes that she wants to have this for the rest of her life. She doesn't want to regret not letting him in all the way and not having gotten the chance to tell him how she feels before it's all over.

She knows life is fragile and that the chance of one or both of them getting killed or her having to face charges as an accomplice to murder if Crowley decides to proceed with the investigation she's apparently already set in motion are real and that she might not have the luxury of enjoying her relationship with Jay as long as she'd like to, but there's one thing she's sure of, she doesn't want to believe that all that they were meant to be is beautifully unfinished.

Jay's breathes are even and his heartbeat is steady when she brings one of her hands up to his chest and places it right above his heart. She isn't sure how everything will end. Only time will tell if they are going to make it or if history repeats itself and they will crash and burn.

That doesn't stop her from thinking the words she hasn't uttered out loud yet, before sleep finally pulls her under.

' _Jay, I love you.'_


End file.
